Today is a milestone for me. It is not because I am starting a new game, that today is different, special. It is an occasion because I am writing. I have had the desire to write since I was a young boy. Back then I wrote a great deal. I filled notebook, after notebook with stories. None of them very good, but most of them staying with me all these many decades later.

Two weeks ago I began something new. Instead of waking up at 4 am, to play video games for an hour before work, I woke up at 3, and wrote for 2 1/2 hours instead. For some, to be able to just sit and write, when ever the feeling strikes them is something which works, and, for such a long period of time, I thought it was what I needed to do. After all. I am simply sitting in front of my computer and writing, right now! And I will publish this post. There is very little question of that. 

Writing fiction, writing poetry is so different for me than writing, what is essentially, a journal entry. For fiction and poetry I need an image to blossom within me, and then I record what I see, and, tweak it a great deal. Writing guides, and responses, and journal entries is simply a matter of sitting down and typing, and, it often involves very little editing.

So, two weeks ago I discovered that my fiction writing responds very well to schedules and discipline. Though I cannot effectively write after I’ve worked all day. I need to write before I’ve done anything else, or, I need to dedicate all my time to writing.

For me, work is necessary. I wouldn’t do what I’m doing if not to pay the bills, if not to put food on my wife’s plate, and a roof over her head. My own food and shelter is not quite as important. Rather, it is more precise to say that doing well by my wife is an enormous motivation, and a much lesser motivation when it is just taking care of myself. 

Where I want to get with this is that we all have God, given talents. Of this I believe to my core. I once believed my talent was  as a timber framer, a hewer, a designer, and, it may well have been. But now I go to work and my soul screams, and, I play huge hours of video games to numb myself, and, that began while I was working as a timber framer, and it didn’t stop when I became a welder. And I enjoy welding. Pretty much just welding. I don’t really like many of the other tasks that come with welder / fabricator, but some of that dislike is just from a lack of familiarity. I am constantly learning so many new things, and, its always a stretch. 

I am learning to operate a press brake, use Auto Cad (not that bad), determine where to locate my bends, set up brake lines, keep things utterly flat, control my heat and manipulate my puddle, as well as piping (extremely challenging), and a few other things. 

Where the soul crushing comes in is that more and more, a part of me is wanting to write, and, up until recently, I have fought tooth and nail to keep it from doing just that. But last week, following the success of the week before, I took two days off to see what it would be like if I lived like a writer. How would that impact my relationship with my wife? How would that feel? Would this start to satisfy me, or would it be same old?

It was wonderful. 

I discovered that I love to write for my wife. Even though the story comes from its own place, and, I am true to the images I see, I love to read her what I’ve written, and, I love to describe things to her. I love to paint a picture in her mind, and, that is exactly what I need for myself as well. I need someone else to see what I see, to want to see in their mind, the same images that sprang forth in mine. And she does. She giggles like a girl when a scene pops, when the imagery is there her body reacts, and I can see her becoming drawn in. And she reads all the time. She is a great listener, and, she is not at all afraid to tell me what she thinks!

I am sick, but I like it. She shrieked at me the other day. We had a fight, and I lost my anger seconds after she left the room, and I couldn’t suppress a smile. I was only embarrassed that the neighbors may have heard us, but I like that my woman has gumption. Though I don’t want to encourage the yelling 🙂 None the less, I said, “Lord. I am a sick puppy.”

Then when I read my chapter to her, I saw one reason for that. She tells it like it is, good or bad, and I can take it. In fact, I want to her it. From her. So when I see her delighted, when I hear her say “yes!” I know she is reacting to what I’ve written, and, when I see her just sit there, or lay there, I know shes not being grabbed. and if she grumbles, something is going to come out. She reacts, and I found that that is… wonderful.

So we had a great weekend. We had a big blowup, followed by small seismic events, then, I wrote for two days, punctuated by walks, going out to eat, and late night drives. If it had been an utterly perfect, calm four days it wouldn’t have told me as much as it did. What it told me was that I can write well, even when things don’t seem to be going great, and, that we make a good team. 

My motivation isn’t that my wife doesn’t get upset. Its not that the boat doesn’t get rocked, that nothing distressing comes into my life. That no one stands three inches from my face and screams at the top of their lungs 🙂 I want to share something with her, more than simply paying the bills. I want to cultivate our lives all the time, not be away for 11 1/2 hours a day, 5 days a week, and come home tired and beaten, and drag myself off to my cave so I can do it again. 15 years of that, one. Stinking. Day. At. A. Time.

What I want is to become a writer. It won’t happen over night, but, if I give in, if I write 3 – 4 mornings a week (we go to a home church on Friday evenings, and, don’t really get done until about 2:30 am, at which time I take a few hours of shut eye, and then drive home), and if I make a post on this blog one evening a week, and I start to migrate towards lifting weights, or something physical, I am hoping to end the soul crushing aspect of my work and get on with life.

I feel like Jonah, and, I’m finally jumping in the water. I believe this is my God given talent, and, I’ve always counseled others to pursue their talents (not so much dreams), and have said that they wouldn’t truly have peace until they did that, so what about me?

It feels good.

Oh, and I have returned to Anarchy Online.

Timberbee